It's finally happened. For the first time, I have been personally affected by bias against the childfree in the workplace. But not in the way you might think.
Usually, the childfree complain that they get stuck with all the work, because moms and dads are trotting out early to go to their kids' soccer games, missing work when their kids get sick, or getting off weekend duty scot-free. However, in this case, my colleague and I are actually having work taken away from us.
Let me explain. I am, as I've posted before, a lawyer. I specialize in trademark law, but my firm as a whole does mostly patent litigation. Patent litigations are very intense and require long hours over many months and years of work.
Trademark work, while not necessarily easier, is more contained. It's easier to regulate one's hours, and easier to customize for a person who wants to, say, work only part-time, or be assured of going home at 5 pm.
That's not why I do this work; I do it because I love it, and so does the one other associate here who specializes in trademark. But you see where this is going, right? Certain mommies on the patent side have now looked over at what we have and decided that they want it.
So a huge new trademark client just came in for us. Of course I can't reveal the name of the client, but it's an extremely well known brand whose work we will now be handling. This work should have been split between me and my other trademark colleague.
But instead, while I'll get a small chunk of it, the lion's share of this work is going to a mommy on the patent side who wants off of her litigations. She's a patent litigator, and came to the firm as one. But that work doesn't fit a family lifestyle. So she's taking ours. As I said, I'll get a small chunk. My colleague will be left out in the cold completely.
Unfair? You bet. I'm hopping mad. But this is the way it works in childfree life.
Wednesday, June 18, 2008
Thursday, June 5, 2008
The Sex Factor
Last night I finally got to see the "Sex and the City" movie. Yes, I loved it. As a longtime fan and New Yorker, I was in heaven. But on a more serious note, it got me thinking about one of the major reasons I have decided to remain childfree: sex. I suppose this contains spoilers.
In the movie, Miranda and Steve are having a series of problems because, what with the kid, their full-time jobs, and Steve's mother being in a home, they haven't had sex for six months. Yes, you read that right. As a childfree person, I cannot comprehend this. I wanted to know: was this really what having kids led to? My curiosity led me to do some research on the Internet when I got home.
Apparently, Miranda and Steve's predicament isn't all that uncommon. I learned via my Google search that 15 to 20 percent of all married couples today are in "sexless marriages," defined by the experts as those where sex occurs 10 or fewer times per year. Per year?! For those keeping score at home, that's less than once a month. The average among the rest of married couples is 68.5 times per year, a little more than once a week. Not surprisingly, I'm sure, to readers of this blog, many of those in "sexless marriages" attribute their failures to having had children.
This really put things in perspective for me. My husband and I average about twice a week lately, and I'd still like that number to be a little bit higher. I get upset if we haven't had sex for a week or two. How do people survive going one to two whole months?
I don't think I ever want to find out.
In the movie, Miranda and Steve are having a series of problems because, what with the kid, their full-time jobs, and Steve's mother being in a home, they haven't had sex for six months. Yes, you read that right. As a childfree person, I cannot comprehend this. I wanted to know: was this really what having kids led to? My curiosity led me to do some research on the Internet when I got home.
Apparently, Miranda and Steve's predicament isn't all that uncommon. I learned via my Google search that 15 to 20 percent of all married couples today are in "sexless marriages," defined by the experts as those where sex occurs 10 or fewer times per year. Per year?! For those keeping score at home, that's less than once a month. The average among the rest of married couples is 68.5 times per year, a little more than once a week. Not surprisingly, I'm sure, to readers of this blog, many of those in "sexless marriages" attribute their failures to having had children.
This really put things in perspective for me. My husband and I average about twice a week lately, and I'd still like that number to be a little bit higher. I get upset if we haven't had sex for a week or two. How do people survive going one to two whole months?
I don't think I ever want to find out.
Wednesday, May 21, 2008
Where Does a Baby Fit In? Nowhere.
Where does a baby fit into my life? Nowhere, that's where. Here is a brief summary of my day today, which is a fairly typical Wednesday:
5:45 A.M.: Wake up. Tiptoe quietly downstairs and change, brush my teeth, etc.
6:15 A.M.: Go out to run. I'm training for a half marathon. Today's run was pretty short in the scheme of things, only 3.5 miles.
7:15 A.M.: Return home and fix breakfast.
7:45 A.M.: Shower and dress for work.
8:15 A.M.: Leave for work. Read the news on the train.
8:45 A.M.: Arrive at work. Work all day long. Lunch at my desk. As my habitual readers know, I'm a lawyer, and I usually have to work at least as many hours as I did today.
7 P.M.: Leave to go home. I like to read on the train but oftentimes, I have to bring more work to do (this is the reality of big firms and billable hour targets).
7:30 P.M.: Arrive home. Dinner with my husband. Our Wednesday dinners are a sacred tradition, going back to when we first started dating nearly three and a half years ago. Even if we had a child, we would never give this up. We always have dinner together, alone, on Wednesdays. It's our weekly time for one another. Usually we go out, but tonight we're eating at home.
9 or so P.M.: Catch up on some laundry while we watch TV and grab a couple of hours to ourselves.
10:30 P.M.: Pass out -- I've got to get up at 5:30 tomorrow to train. After 7 hours of sleep, it will all begin again.
Where the heck does a child fit in here? As I try to juggle work, running and my marriage, I often feel like I don't even have time for myself, much less someone else. If I had a couple extra hours in my day I'd spend it reading in a quiet place, not taking care of a screaming baby.
So I have to conclude that the answer is: nowhere.
5:45 A.M.: Wake up. Tiptoe quietly downstairs and change, brush my teeth, etc.
6:15 A.M.: Go out to run. I'm training for a half marathon. Today's run was pretty short in the scheme of things, only 3.5 miles.
7:15 A.M.: Return home and fix breakfast.
7:45 A.M.: Shower and dress for work.
8:15 A.M.: Leave for work. Read the news on the train.
8:45 A.M.: Arrive at work. Work all day long. Lunch at my desk. As my habitual readers know, I'm a lawyer, and I usually have to work at least as many hours as I did today.
7 P.M.: Leave to go home. I like to read on the train but oftentimes, I have to bring more work to do (this is the reality of big firms and billable hour targets).
7:30 P.M.: Arrive home. Dinner with my husband. Our Wednesday dinners are a sacred tradition, going back to when we first started dating nearly three and a half years ago. Even if we had a child, we would never give this up. We always have dinner together, alone, on Wednesdays. It's our weekly time for one another. Usually we go out, but tonight we're eating at home.
9 or so P.M.: Catch up on some laundry while we watch TV and grab a couple of hours to ourselves.
10:30 P.M.: Pass out -- I've got to get up at 5:30 tomorrow to train. After 7 hours of sleep, it will all begin again.
Where the heck does a child fit in here? As I try to juggle work, running and my marriage, I often feel like I don't even have time for myself, much less someone else. If I had a couple extra hours in my day I'd spend it reading in a quiet place, not taking care of a screaming baby.
So I have to conclude that the answer is: nowhere.
Tuesday, May 20, 2008
Some Friend You Are
We have two sets of friends who have babies now. One child was born a year ago, and one was born at the end of December 2007. Both couples were fixtures in our social circle until the stork arrived. My husband has known the fathers for many years.
We have seen the couple whose daughter is now a year old a whopping three times since she was born. The other couple we have not seen at all since they had their child, although they do send us about 80 pictures of their baby every single month. No, I'm not exaggerating. "Baby's April Pics" arrive reliably in early May, and there are always between 50 and 100 to look through. But I digress. (My husband and I have considered sending out monthly pictures of our cat in response.)
I'm not heartbroken about not seeing our friends much anymore. I fully expected it. But when they no longer even feel the need to adhere to the basic tenets of common courtesy, I have a problem. That is what happened to my husband this week.
Last Monday, he emailed the father of the one-year-old, asking if his company might have a job available this summer for my husband's brother, who's a junior in college and desperately seeking an internship that might add to his resume. Guess what the response was?
Nothing.
It's been over a week, and nothing. Not even "sorry, man, we just don't have anything available this summer." That would have been fine. But nothing? Really, you don't have time to even type a one-sentence email to an old friend once you've procreated?
If that's the case, count me out for sure.
We have seen the couple whose daughter is now a year old a whopping three times since she was born. The other couple we have not seen at all since they had their child, although they do send us about 80 pictures of their baby every single month. No, I'm not exaggerating. "Baby's April Pics" arrive reliably in early May, and there are always between 50 and 100 to look through. But I digress. (My husband and I have considered sending out monthly pictures of our cat in response.)
I'm not heartbroken about not seeing our friends much anymore. I fully expected it. But when they no longer even feel the need to adhere to the basic tenets of common courtesy, I have a problem. That is what happened to my husband this week.
Last Monday, he emailed the father of the one-year-old, asking if his company might have a job available this summer for my husband's brother, who's a junior in college and desperately seeking an internship that might add to his resume. Guess what the response was?
Nothing.
It's been over a week, and nothing. Not even "sorry, man, we just don't have anything available this summer." That would have been fine. But nothing? Really, you don't have time to even type a one-sentence email to an old friend once you've procreated?
If that's the case, count me out for sure.
Monday, May 19, 2008
Moms who Let Themselves Go
I stumbled across this posting on Craigslist a while back, about mothers and wives who lose all regard for appearances. While I certainly wouldn't say I agree with all of it, there are some interesting thoughts there.
Many mothers do, in fact, let themselves go as this posting describes, particularly once they pass a certain age and have had two or three kids. I do not, and will never, condone cheating on one's spouse, as this poster sort of seems to. However, I also think that when you enter an agreement with another healthy adult to remain in a monogamous relationship for the rest of both of your lives, you each have a certain responsibility to make sure you remain reasonably attractive to the other person. This is only fair.
I take this responsibility very seriously. I stay in shape. I watch my diet. I get regular manicures and pedicures. I don't go weeks without shaving or tweezing as needed. I wear makeup, perfume, and jewelry. I make sure my hair looks good... even if we're not going anywhere. I wear cute, fitted clothes (again, even around the house I wear cute p.j.s), and good shoes.
When women have kids and begin to completely neglect all of this, it makes me wonder. And when they complain that their marriages are passionless, and their husbands have become detached, I wonder more.
Cause and effect, kids. It's not rocket science. While I certainly hope that we all love our spouses for who they are, the least you can do for someone who's pledged to sleep with only you for the rest of his life is to make it a pleasant experience for him. And vice versa.
This is a lot easier when you're childfree.
Many mothers do, in fact, let themselves go as this posting describes, particularly once they pass a certain age and have had two or three kids. I do not, and will never, condone cheating on one's spouse, as this poster sort of seems to. However, I also think that when you enter an agreement with another healthy adult to remain in a monogamous relationship for the rest of both of your lives, you each have a certain responsibility to make sure you remain reasonably attractive to the other person. This is only fair.
I take this responsibility very seriously. I stay in shape. I watch my diet. I get regular manicures and pedicures. I don't go weeks without shaving or tweezing as needed. I wear makeup, perfume, and jewelry. I make sure my hair looks good... even if we're not going anywhere. I wear cute, fitted clothes (again, even around the house I wear cute p.j.s), and good shoes.
When women have kids and begin to completely neglect all of this, it makes me wonder. And when they complain that their marriages are passionless, and their husbands have become detached, I wonder more.
Cause and effect, kids. It's not rocket science. While I certainly hope that we all love our spouses for who they are, the least you can do for someone who's pledged to sleep with only you for the rest of his life is to make it a pleasant experience for him. And vice versa.
This is a lot easier when you're childfree.
Saturday, February 23, 2008
A Saturday in the Life
One of my favorite childfree books, Baby Not On Board, has a great little section called "A Saturday in the Life," which compares a childfree person's typical Saturday to that of a childed person's. The childfree Saturday sounded surprisingly like one of my own. So just for kicks, I thought I'd post what I did (and am doing) today in lieu of playing Mr. Potato Head and running to Costco for more mini corn dogs. Feel free to tell me how you spent your childfree Saturdays, as well!
8 A.M.: Get up. Husband is still sleeping (he is NOT an early weekend riser.) Greet the cat, who follows me downstairs. Pour out some nice Kashi cereal and soymilk for myself and some kitty treats for her.
8:15 A.M.: Settle down in the living room with breakfast. All is quiet. Happily curl up, eat my cereal and finish the book I've been reading.
10 A.M.: Watch two episodes of South Park. Now that is what I call a Saturday morning cartoon!
11 A.M.: Husband wakes up. We sit together and talk for a bit while he opens some mail we got this week.
11:30 A.M.: Head upstairs to update my iPod. We went to a Foo Fighters concert on Tuesday night, so I'm super into them right now. I hit the iTunes store and use some of that nice extra disposable income to fill in all the holes in my Foo collection.
12 P.M.: iPod loaded, it's time to go out for a run. I do two miles downtown and back along the Hudson River, music blasting in my ears.
12:45 P.M.: Back home. Fix lunch (a veggie burger, yogurt and fruit.) Sit with my husband while he watches UFC Unleashed from the DVR. Laugh at it.
1:30 P.M.: Take a shower and take my sweet time doing a body scrub, pedicure, and all those things I don't have time for during the week. Gotta look good to go out tonight!
2:30 P.M.: Interrupt my husband to ask if he's interested in some post-shower fun. He is. Head upstairs.
3:15 P.M.: Get dressed.
3:30 P.M.: Time to get serious. Where are we having dinner tonight? We've got a band of five (childfree, of course) friends to go to dinner and drinks with, and it's up to us to make the reservations. We settle on a fabulous wine bar in Soho that also serves food and call everyone to let them know.
4:15 P.M.: Upstairs for some more quiet time while my husband plays video games. Right now, it's 4:25 and I'm just about done with this blog entry. After that, I plan to do a few things around the house and then...
7 P.M.: Meet our friends for dinner. Enjoy yummy grown-up food and tasting flights of local wine. After dinner, we'll no doubt end up at one of several very good bars in the area. Who knows how late we'll be out?
So in conclusion... yeah, childfree Saturdays are pretty much awesome. I'll take my day in a heartbeat over getting up with some screamy kid, getting him dressed, playing with him all day and cutting up hot dogs for his lunch. No thank you.
8 A.M.: Get up. Husband is still sleeping (he is NOT an early weekend riser.) Greet the cat, who follows me downstairs. Pour out some nice Kashi cereal and soymilk for myself and some kitty treats for her.
8:15 A.M.: Settle down in the living room with breakfast. All is quiet. Happily curl up, eat my cereal and finish the book I've been reading.
10 A.M.: Watch two episodes of South Park. Now that is what I call a Saturday morning cartoon!
11 A.M.: Husband wakes up. We sit together and talk for a bit while he opens some mail we got this week.
11:30 A.M.: Head upstairs to update my iPod. We went to a Foo Fighters concert on Tuesday night, so I'm super into them right now. I hit the iTunes store and use some of that nice extra disposable income to fill in all the holes in my Foo collection.
12 P.M.: iPod loaded, it's time to go out for a run. I do two miles downtown and back along the Hudson River, music blasting in my ears.
12:45 P.M.: Back home. Fix lunch (a veggie burger, yogurt and fruit.) Sit with my husband while he watches UFC Unleashed from the DVR. Laugh at it.
1:30 P.M.: Take a shower and take my sweet time doing a body scrub, pedicure, and all those things I don't have time for during the week. Gotta look good to go out tonight!
2:30 P.M.: Interrupt my husband to ask if he's interested in some post-shower fun. He is. Head upstairs.
3:15 P.M.: Get dressed.
3:30 P.M.: Time to get serious. Where are we having dinner tonight? We've got a band of five (childfree, of course) friends to go to dinner and drinks with, and it's up to us to make the reservations. We settle on a fabulous wine bar in Soho that also serves food and call everyone to let them know.
4:15 P.M.: Upstairs for some more quiet time while my husband plays video games. Right now, it's 4:25 and I'm just about done with this blog entry. After that, I plan to do a few things around the house and then...
7 P.M.: Meet our friends for dinner. Enjoy yummy grown-up food and tasting flights of local wine. After dinner, we'll no doubt end up at one of several very good bars in the area. Who knows how late we'll be out?
So in conclusion... yeah, childfree Saturdays are pretty much awesome. I'll take my day in a heartbeat over getting up with some screamy kid, getting him dressed, playing with him all day and cutting up hot dogs for his lunch. No thank you.
Friday, February 8, 2008
Back from the Dead
Hi all!
No, I wasn't really dead, just very busy (in a good way.) I'm popping in briefly to share an article that some idiot wrote over at the Atlantic:
http://www.theatlantic.com/doc/print/200803/single-marry
The author essentially advises single women to settle, instead of waiting for the right one to come along. That's bad enough in itself, but what truly irks me are her assumptions about what all women want. Check this out if you're in the mood to get pissed, ladies.
No, I wasn't really dead, just very busy (in a good way.) I'm popping in briefly to share an article that some idiot wrote over at the Atlantic:
http://www.theatlantic.com/doc/print/200803/single-marry
The author essentially advises single women to settle, instead of waiting for the right one to come along. That's bad enough in itself, but what truly irks me are her assumptions about what all women want. Check this out if you're in the mood to get pissed, ladies.
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